Newcastle to buy every player in the world

Posted on February 24th, 2011 | 32 Comments |

Cisse - Newcastle target?
Toon package?
Newcastle United’s alleged interest in various players now reaches ludicrous levels.

It’s official – Newcastle are after every player in the world. As part of a cunning plan by Pardew and Ashley, Newcastle plan to buy all the world’s footballers, thus gaining a bye in every game because no other team will be able to field any players.

Or so it seems if you believe the press.

I reported last week about the club’s alleged interest in 7 players in 7 days and this week seems no different.

Djibril Cisse is apparently ‘on the radar’ after quitting Panathinaikos due to racism from the crowd. I seem to remember taking a dislike to Cisse a few years ago (for reasons other than him playing for the mackems), although I can’t remember the exact details. It was something to do with him winding the Toon crowd up. Although I could have imagined it.

Some of the newspapers have been reporting that we’re preparing a £10m offer for Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner, but was does it mean when they say we’re ‘preparing’ to make an offer? Has Ashley started counting the £10m now and is not due to finish until June? Or is it just that the press have chosen someone who could possibly be a candidate for a move to Newcastle – to make it sound at least feasible – and created a story without any real substance?

6ft 7in robotic beanpole Peter Crouch is another one being linked with us, although he’s 30 and on decent wages so I can’t see how he fits in with Ashley’s master plan to build a new Arsenal from young players who’ll work for £35/week.

It has been at least a week since Seb Larsson was linked to us, so he’s cropped up again as a summer target after apparently only snubbing Newcastle in January because he wanted to play at Wembley.

I must admit I never took our last minute bid for N’Zogbia in January too seriously, but we’re being linked as ‘still interested’ in the player, although apparently Steve Bruce is going to ‘snatch him from under our noses’ with a £12m bid. I checked in the mirror this morning and N’Zogbia is definitely not under my nose, so maybe Bruce already has him.

Ipswich Town’s Connor Wickham seems more like the sort of player we’d sign, although so far I’ve seen nothing to actually substantiate any interest from Newcastle despite some press reports making it sound like it’s a done deal. Ipswich are insisting he’s not for sale, although neither was Andy Carroll and we all know what happened there.

There have also been press reports linking us to Gervinho, Max Gradel and Taye Taiwo, so I reckon that’s 9 players this week which – added to the 7 from last week – means we’re now in the running for 16 players according to the press.

And that’s before we even get to my mate Big Bob at Milverton FC who, as I reported last week, has been strongly linked with Newcastle despite being the wrong side of 30. And the wrong side of 40 for that matter. But he is cheap.

So there’s a bit of transfer speculation for you. Mostly tosh!

NUFCBlog Author: Hugh de Payen I'm a baby-boomer of the punk rock persuasion, currently exiled in Somerset for crimes committed in a previous life where locals keep trying to poison me with something called 'scrumpy'. Hates sprouts, coat-hangers, Cilla Black, ornaments, Steven Seagull movies and 50 Cent (he's not worth 10). Hugh de Payen has written 634 articles on this blog.

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32 Responses

  1. Morning Ed, as I said in my copy last week, my neighbour, Bessy Surtees, was out with the girls on the shant an bumped into big Bob,s agent, a bloke called honest John Proffet, and he let slip when he was ratted that Big Bob was so keen to come to the toon, he would let Mr Cashley name his own fee, However, because of the recent upsurge in the clubs interest in so many players, Bob has intimated that he would forego any 10% and will sign for 30bob and a big orange as long as we buy him a new pair of boots every season. There you go, how about that for a bit of inside info.You could find me after your job next buddy.

  2. yep, this aint Ed’s blog for sure as its not as annoying tbh. Anyway, why tf is cisse running around with his tackle out? And zogs for 12 million??? hasthe world gone bonkers.
    In truth we will buy cheap dross and panic buy as usual.

  3. god times must be hard in greece, they car’nt even afford footy kits the poor sods, sould get some sort of appeal gannin like they do for the bairns in africa, its like the advert said ‘everytime i click my fingers a footballer in greece loses his shorts’

  4. I don’t think any of the rumours have much truth in them just paper Squalk.
    Charles Z’ogbia Pffft,we hate him,he hates us end of.

    My gut feeling is alot of the big names at our place Barton,Enrique etc will be offered a pittance then hand in a transfer request…it’s an easy ploy for MA to get players sold without getting slated too much,Pardew can just say they wanted to leave.

    I expect Collo to be sold as well,possibly Nolan,Krul,Spiderman,Williamson as MA continues to employ the same business tactics as his retail junk yard.

  5. sirjase… as usual, i have to agree. i think that ashley has a plan to put us in the ccc on purpose, i do. I think that what he is doing is scraping back his capital outlay by any means possible and once he has he will have us fully kitted out with ccc quality players only and will let us slip down on purpose as he wont care a jot what we do.

  6. Connor wickham would be ace. Along with tabaart from.QPR.
    Wickham will be on a lot of clubs lists and tabaart may want to stay with QPR when they get promoted.
    Sjt I’m not sure if you are just trying a wind up or really believe what you ate saying. Either way you have no evidence to back this up. If what you say is true then relegation would have been the perfect time as it was a ready made excuse to appease us fans.

  7. Connor wickham will be too expensive and will be able to go to club with aspirations as he is hot talent. His value will already be high so he does not fit in with cashley mould. Ashley wants to get them in dirt cheap or free, bring them along then sell them. That is his clear plan. This being the case, not a chance of entering a bidding war for one of our homegrown best talents.

  8. Looks like Craig has overdosed on ‘bitter & twisted’ pills today…everyday come to think of it.

  9. lol lol… no witters.. they are called reality pills. i am not bitter at all. i just know what kind of club we are under ashley. I am more likeky to be proved correct that you at theend of the summer window thats for sure. That is based on the stone cold facts of every window under ashley to date. Its not me being doom and gloom, its me the realist thats all. I woudl rather expect the expected and then if by some miricle fatty actualy does stump up some REAL cash then i will be well chuffed… will he do that… not an f@@king chance hahahah!

  10. I keep reading about crap transfer windows at the club, but apart from signing mega stars, which we are not in the position to do so, show me where the failures are, apart from January when we should have had someone in to replace Carroll.
    Our so called cheap buys have all been successful, where is the issue?

  11. its not the stars at all mickey toon. I am not after huge names either mate, you miss my point perhaps. What i am saying is Ahely has not spent one penny ever on players since he has been at our club. He is in the black by multi millions. He was just in black even before we sold AC ffs. Now he is edging towards 40 million to the good from what has been bought to what has been recoupped through sales. I would say tis is all great normally if we can ship out the crap and replace with good players, weather expensive or not, i dont care. Simple fact is though, he get weaker from window to window as we do not replace. Thiswindow which we can take for an example, we came into it with pards saying we nneded to get 1 or 2 plyers in and keep our best players blah blah. So what do we do… we ship out Carrol, Xisco, Routledge and was there a fourth – i cant recall. We bring in an injured ireland for some stupid reason who by time he can play will not get slot cos Arfa is back by that point. Its not that i want or demand for huge money being spent. that is not the case.. i think we should not sell off players without a plan and it seems to me that we never have any plan with regard to recruitment..yes sell carroll, i would to for 35 million but ffs lets have a replacement lined up other than a liast minute loan job for soem old knacker. All of this at a point in the season when we are on knife edge between relegation battel and euro battle. its crazy man. Thats all i am saying Mickey toon.

  12. But Craig…we’re in the best shape player wise since Sir Bobby left! Yes we need a forward (I’d say 2 & get rid of lovenkrands & ameobi).

    I don’t see any problems with balancing the transfer books & by your maths there’s £40m to spend in the summer. Only question is…will it get spent? I certainly hopes so…

    I must say I’m the happiest I’ve been since Sir Bobby…

  13. lets not forget French 17-yr-old striker Tangane, and also:

    Diego Perotti – (an Argentine footballer who plays for Sevilla FC in the Spanish first division. Mainly a left winger who can play with both feet, he can also appear as an attacking midfielder.)

    6m for each is the supposed deal we’re looking at…

  14. I don’t think we are seriously looking at anyone right now to be honest.
    They will either be to old,wrong attitude,demanding intersteller wages,if we are then it will be just waffle and going through the motions to look busy and appease the fans.

  15. Everything, everything, everything in the press these days is nothing but speculation geared to keep supporters interest up until the transfer window opens again. Nothing more nothing less. Fact.!! Weshould forget all the hype and bollocks that goes with it, keep supporting the lads as best we can, achieve whatever can be achieved and worry about everything else when the time comes. One Army, One true Faith.Always Black and White. HWTL

  16. all a load of guff these transfer rumours thats for sure, im more intrested in the lads we already have doing the buisness on sat against the trotters, on conner whickham i think he will end up at one of the london clubs, maybe spuds he seems the type of player they’ll be intrested in, He’s a bit over priced and unproven at prem level imo, still a decent prospect though for a 17 year old kid.

  17. lesh – its a pile of sh1t mate – and youre a nacka for falling for it.
    Talkshite radio website….pfffff

  18. Looks like they f***ed up with Enrique not getting him signed, his recent , “get me outta here intrview” made it clear he wants more dosh and a club with ambition.
    Something he aint gonna find here, its an extension of the retail business buy cheap sell high (screwed up on this one)mid table mediocrity and a bit of profit.
    what you see is what you get, even Pardew has got the message.

  19. Would I be suprised if he left in the summer? No.

    Would I be suprised that we sold him for only £6m? No.

    Would I be suprised if Tiote and Barton followed him out of the door? No.

    That is why I won’t be too dissapointed as I can see the brutal facts that are facing NUFC.

  20. Big Mick will be clearing the decks in the summer….then filling the gaps with inferior shite and gambling on staying up again on a shoestring and lots of lovely sky money…..Kerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-Ching !

  21. I don’t think we are Doomed Worky, just can’t get excited about transfers when I am more worried about exits and more blatant profiteering from the Fat Controller.

  22. On the number of players we are linked to. If we are linked to so many players this can only be a good thing. It means the scouts are doing their job and the internet connection is turned off at st. James park and YouTube has been removed from the favourite bar, home page, list of thing to buy, investment portfolio etc. Etc. On Mr ashleys computer.